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Sample Excerpt: Creative Script Parody of The Bachelor
Characters (In order of appearance):
HOWARD
MARGE
HARRIET
ETHEL
(This is set in the Crystal Acres Retirement Home. We are in HOWARD's bedroom quarters. The bedroom has a twin bed, a dresser, a small nightstand or table, a chair, and maybe a lamp. There is an open suitcase on the bed, and HOWARD is slowly transferring clothes from the suitcase to the dresser drawers. HOWARD is an older man in his 70s, showing a bit of frailty, but still physically capable. HE looks a little tired, nervous about his new surroundings, and a little sad. He places a picture of him and his wife on the nightstand/table. Soon, HE hears a knock on the door:)
MARGE
(off stage) Knock, knock! Fred, I'm here to take you out to coffee! (MARGE enters. MARGE is also in her 70s, dressed in modest attire. Upon entering, she immediately notices this is not Fred.)
MARGE
Oh my. I'm sorry. I thought this was Fred's room.
HOWARD
That's ok. I'm not Fred. I'm Howard. I'm the new inmate around here.
MARGE
Well, I never thought about Crystal Acres as a prison, but to each his own. Oh, that's right. You're the new bachelor we all heard was coming.
HOWARD
Bachelor? I'd say I was more of a widower.
MARGE
Call yourself what you like. But, at a retirement home like this the ladies pass their time with knitting, gossiping, and fighting over newly-arrived, single men. I'd say that makes you our new bachelor.
HOWARD
Great. And, I thought I'd have trouble making new friends. You're not on the hunt, yourself?
MARGE
Me? No. I have grandchildren to occupy most of my time. My family doesn't live too far from here, so I'm not as alone as some of these ladies. Frankly, I'm surprised the "widow bees" gave you any time to unpack before they started swarming.
HARRIET
(Off stage) Yoo-hoo! Mr. Davis! It's your welcoming committee!
MARGE
(MARGE smiles, wryly) See what I mean?
(HARRIET and ETHEL enter. HARRIET is wearing an apron and holding a plate of cookies. Their faces are bright and cheery, that is until they notice MARGE.)
HARRIET
Well, Mr. Martin, we are so glad to meet you!....Oh. Marge.......you're here.
MARGE
I was looking for Fred, Harriet. (Enjoying their frustration). I guess I found the wrong room.
ETHEL
(Trying to contain her sarcasm) Well, Fred's just down the hall, dear. Perhaps, he's waiting for you.
MARGE
I think he can wait a while. (Eyes the cookies). What'd you bring us?
HARRIET
These are my cookies....for Mr. Davis. They're very good. From my very own secret recipe!
ETHEL
(Competing with HARRIET) And, I've got an apple pie on the way too, Mr. Davis. You'll just love my apple pie!
HOWARD
(Sensing the tension) The cookies smell good.
MARGE
Why don't you leave them on the table. Howard and I might try them later.
HARRIET
"Howard," is it? You're all just fast friends now, aren't you? (To HOWARD). Well, we'll just let you get yourself settled in, Mr. Davis. I'm in room 319 whenever you want to return my plate. I don't sleep much so stop by any time! (Grabs ETHEL's arm and retreats in disgust). Let's go, Ethel!
(HARRIET and ETHEL jostle each other competitively as they exit.)
ETHEL
Hussy!
HARRIET
Spinster!
HOWARD
(Eyes the door, warily) Should I take out some extra insurance?
MARGE
Oh, they're pretty harmless. Mostly. If you're not careful though, you'll gain 20 pounds your first week here.
HOWARD
I'll try to pace myself. What'd you say your name was, again?
MARGE
I didn't. It's Marge. Marge Hathaway.
HOWARD
Pleasure to meet you, Marge. I'm glad I found a friend so quickly. To be honest, I didn't know what to expect. I'm not sure how I even ended up here in the first place.
MARGE
How long has she been gone?
HOWARD
(pauses, startled) How'd you know?
MARGE
Well, you did call yourself a "widower". And you have that "lost puppy" look about you. Most men tend to find their way to our little retirement home after they lose their wives.
HOWARD
Just two years. But, it seems a lot longer than that. It's like I forgot who I was after she left....after Grace died...my wife. (HOWARD hands her the photo of him and his wife.) This is us a few years back.
MARGE
You look very happy. (SHE places it back on the table)
HOWARD
Were you married?
MARGE
Twice. The first was a real thrill. One adventure after another. We were engaged a week after our first date, then eloped in Reno within a month. That one didn't last long. If I only knew then what I know now....
HOWARD
And, the second?
MARGE
The second was my first love. We were married 40 years. The last ten I had to watch him fade away with Alzheimer's. I miss him.
HOWARD
(Pauses, thoughtfully) Grace had this habit of making the bed right when she woke up. A lot of the times she'd be straightening the sheets before I was even awake. I was rolled onto the floor a few times. I don't know what she was thinking....
MARGE
My second, Chester....he liked to leave me little love notes in secret places around the house. I'd be dusting, would lift a lamp and there I'd find an "I love you" or even a poem sometimes. After he died, I was going through his closet and found a love letter he'd written to me at least ten years before. He'd written so many, I'm sure he forgot where he'd hid them all.
HOWARD
I remember all the women I dated before I found Grace. I was like a bull in a china shop, always bumping into the wrong women and watching them break. I wanted to find someone so bad, and when I finally found her, I wasn't even looking. I just walked in this coffee shop, and there she was, waiting tables. She smiled at me real nice, and I gave her a big tip. She never left me after that day. Well, I thought she'd never leave me...
MARGE
Chester and I weren't perfect. He even had an affair once and we almost didn't make it. But, even when we didn't seem to be made for each other anymore...we still were. I guess we both realized that.
HOWARD
I know what you mean....sounds like we both had it good for a while.
MARGE
(Seeing HOWARD a bit differently now). Listen. I have a confession to make. I wasn't really looking for Fred. I admit, I was a bit curious about you.
HOWARD
You were? Well I guess it's nice to be noticed. At least you're not trying to fatten me up (refers to the cookies).
MARGE
I still could use a cup of coffee though. It's not a coffee shop....just our humble cafeteria.
(HOWARD fingers the picture frame of him and his wife. HIS pain is there, but also thankfulness.)
HOWARD
I suppose I could use a cup of coffee. I can always unpack later. (They turn to leave). You really are a grandma, aren't you?
MARGE
(Grabs a couple cookies) Have a cookie, Mr. Davis. (They exit).
FADE OUT
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