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Sample Excerpt: Creative Script Parody of American Idol
Characters (In order of appearance):
Jim Redenbacher--Show Host
Eunice Redenbacher--Judge
Cliff--Grange Keyboardist
Gladys Reed--1st Contestant
Isaiah Martin--2nd Contestant
Young Tommy Fairbanks--3rd Contestant
(This is the set of a local cable access television station. It is decorated a bit like a barn, with a bail of hay, etc. A sign behind everything reads: "DTV Channel 15, Dubuque Cable Access Television" and underneath that on the same sign: "Dubuque, Iowa". Stage Left is the judge's table, decorated with the chuckwagon red and white checkerboard tablecloth with a sign that says "Judge's Table". Down Center Stage is JIM, the show's Emcee and Host. JIM is dressed in ankle-high slacks, a good-will dress shirt and a bow tie. JIM's demeanor is cheesy game show host/subtle, wry farm-speak. Sitting at the judge's table is EUNICE, dressed in farmer's wife attire. EUNICE also wears the constant frown of a no-nonsense Midwestern farmer's wife, absentmindedly gnawing on some chewing gum. Stage Right is CLIFF, backed up by a keyboard with a drum track, hopefully a cheap Casio.)
JIM
Hi there, my name's Jim Redenbacher and I gotta ask ya: Is this heaven?
CLIFF
(deadpan) No, it's Iowa.
JIM
Well, I could have sworn this was heaven. Welcome back to another Dubuque Cable Access edition of our very popular talent competition: (EUNICE holds up a sign of her own from the table, and JIM echoes what's written on it) the "Grange Association Talent Extravaganza". Or, as I like to call it: The GATE competition, as in the "gate" to agricultural fame and fortune. You know, contestants who advance from here will move onto the regionals in Peoria, Illinois, and then if they're really lucky, they might make it all the way to the finals held at the National Grange Convention in Rochester, New York. That would sure be the "gate" to farming stardom, isn't that right, Cliff?
CLIFF
(deadpan) That's right, Jim.
JIM
Well, I sure think so. Cliff's over there on the keys. Thanks, Cliff. (Turns to the judges table). Most of you remember Eunice, my wife. Say, hello, Eunice. (EUNICE doesn't speak, just gives a curt salute to the camera). I know that some of these "too big for their britches" talent shows out there have more than one judge, but we think ole' Eunice is the cat's meow, isn't that right, Cliff?
CLIFF
Right again, Jim.
JIM
Well, Eunice here will listen to all 3 contestants, and if any one contestant isn't quite "passing the mustard", Eunice will put an end to their hopes and dreams with a ring of the official Grange cowbell. (EUNICE holds up the cowbell, and demonstrates a ring.) I'm afraid Eunice has been a little bell-happy lately too. She hasn't advanced anyone for the last two weeks straight. So, I guess tonight's contestants have their work cut out for them. Well, let's go ahead and bring out our first performer. She's a local homemaker, turned "agro-diva"...please welcome the vocal stylings of....Gladys Reed!
(Accompanied by the Cliff on keys [a cheesy midi sound for the accompaniment], GLADYS comes out in full Tammy Wynnette garb and sings a horrible rendition of "My Favorite Things" from the Sound of Music. Clearly, she's nervous and trying her best, over-compensating by swinging her arms back and forth, etc., but her voice sounds like breaking glass.)
Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens;
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens;
Brown paper packages tied up with strings;
These are a few of my favorite things.
Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes;
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes;
Silver-white winters that melt into springs;
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the dog bites,
When the bee stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad!
(As the song progresses, EUNICE slowly enters into a state of over-the-top contempt and disgust. At the point of "then I don't feel so bad", she can't help herself any longer and rings the cowbell loudly.)
JIM
Ooohh. Sorry about that, Gladys. Not sure if that was Eunice's "favorite thing". (Gladys, sadly traipses off stage). Let's now welcome our next contestant: Isaiah Martin!
(ISAIAH comes out. He is clearly Amish, dressed in the traditional black vest, blue shirt, black Amish hat, and beard. He speaks with a Dutch or German accent.)
JIM
Isaiah comes to us all the way from the Kalona Amish Community. That's more than a 100 miles from here, isn't that right Mr. Martin?
ISAIAH
Four days by buggy.
JIM
Isaiah was the winner of the local Amish Idol competition out there in Kalona—a sober contest of wits involving harmonic goat milking, isn't that right Isaiah?
ISAIAH
And, I'm lactose intolerant.
JIM
Well, nobody's perfect. I think we're in for a treat as Isaiah here's going to show off his "jiggier" side tonight with a hip-hop tune that I'm sure is shooting up the charts: Take it away, Isaiah!
(A rap drum-track begins playing. ISAIAH assumes a rap posture, arms folded, etc.)
ISAIAH
Now da elders had a pow-wow on a Sabbath Morn'
Said, Josiah's got a new wife and a baby born
But they got nowhere to milk the cow or keep the corn,
So, we gotta call the people
We gotta call the people
They'll be raisin' da barn
So, the next day around sunrise, after all our chores
We grabbed the hammers and the nails and the two-by-fours
I knew we had to finish 'fore the day was night
But, who needs a power drill, I ain't no Mennonite!
We'd be raisin' da barn
Raisin' da barn!
Raisin' da barn!
(We'd be)
(We'd be)
Raisin' the barn!
Raisin' the barn!
(We'd be)
(We'd be)
(At some point during ISAIAH's final chorus, EUNICE, again, rings the cowbell furiously.)
JIM
Oh my goodness. Sorry, Isaiah. Looks like Eunice was "shunning" your vocal efforts there. She's just a tough nut to crack. But, she does know talent, by golly. We've sure seen that. (Dejected, Isaiah also leaves the stage). Let's move onto our final contestant this week, young Tommy Fairbanks. Come on out, Tommy. (TOMMY comes out holding a tray of mason jars on carries it down center. HE is wearing the typical farm boy wear—plaid shirt, suspenders and jeans. His demeanor remains dull and blank-faced throughout his time on stage.) Now, Tommy's 4th grade teacher said he'd never amount to anything, but I think you'll all disagree after we see this talented boy in action. Here's young Tommy Fairbanks, performing on....the Spoonaphone!
(With a drum-track or possibly basic midi accompaniment from CLIFF, TOMMY picks up 2 spoons off the tray and begins his rendition of "Strangers In The Night" striking each jar [different water levels] to play the melody. EUNICE, once again, begins to gag as she hears yet another tacky performer. She stands up, preparing to hit the bell in grandiose fashion one last time, and suddenly, she swallows her gum and begins choking! She holds her throat and gestures to JIM, who goes over and in a panic tries to help her. CLIFF doesn't notice and goes on playing a soft arrangement of "Strangers" amidst the chaos. TOMMY plays for a little while, sees what's happening, then slowly walks over and silently gestures to JIM to move out of the way. CLIFF sees the chaos and jumps into his own cheesy vocal rendition of "Strangers". TOMMY takes one of his spoons, carefully aims at EUNICE's lower back and taps her firmly. Out pops the gum, Eunice sits down exhausted, and JIM puts his arm around TOMMY, leading him back Down Center stage.)
JIM
Well done there, Tommy. I guess Eunice didn't appreciate your talent with those spoons until she really needed it, did she? Eunice, still want to ring the bell for young Tommy Fairbanks? (Head down, still trying to catch her breath, SHE shakes her head and gives a weak wave at them, saying he can advance.) Then, it looks like we have this week's winner! Onto Peoria you go, Tommy. We'll see how you "play" there. Well, folks, that's it for another week at the Grange Association Talent Extravaganza. So, if you're out plowing your field and constantly find yourself humming a show tune, why don't you come down and give us a try? Remember: If you've got the talent....we've got the time. Goodnight!
FADE OUT
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