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Sample Excerpt: Creative Script Parody of The Apprentice
Characters (In order of appearance):
Ted--Apprentice Candidate
Lois--Apprentice Candidate
Ron--Director of Parking
Man Bodyguard
Woman Bodyguard
(Two people are sitting on one side of a boardroom table. One is a man, TED, who is dressed in a nice business suit. The other is a woman, LOIS, who is in a simple house dress. They appear to be waiting for something. TED, arms folded, appears a bit annoyed. LOIS looks nervous.)
LOIS
We've been here a while, haven't we?
(TED barely acknowledges her with a slight nod)
LOIS
I didn't think there'd be this much to this, did you? I know other people who are on the church parking team, and I don't remember them saying they had to go through all this.
(Another barely polite nod from TED)
LOIS
(Undeterred, SHE continues with her chatter) Well, it makes me a little nervous. I knew I wanted to get involved, so I thought I'd start someplace like this. I enjoyed seeing all the smiles I got when I drove into the parking lot each weekend. I thought maybe I could do that too. But, I didn't think we'd have to go through an interview or anything. But, my friend Jan did say they just appointed a new director over the parking team, and that things were a little different now. What did she say his name was? Ron? Yeah, I think they said his name was Ron.
(A man enters the room. HE is wearing an orange parking vest and dark sunglasses. HE doesn't say a word--just surveys the room like he's looking for snipers or something. Shortly, he opens the curtain, and in walks RON. RON, still wearing his trademark black-rimmed glasses, now dons a business suit, looking strangely like Donald Trump, with the crazy hairdo and all. Following RON is a woman who, like the "advance man", is also wearing a parking vest and dark sunglasses. The man holds out the center chair for RON on the other side of the table facing the candidates, then the other two BODYGUARDS sit on either side of him.)
RON
Good afternoon.
LOIS
(a little bewildered by this odd man) Hello.
TED
Good afternoon.
LOIS
I'm Lois. I have to tell you I'm a little nervous, but glad to be here. But, I'm always glad to meet new people! Someone told me your name is Ron, right? Can I call you Ron?
(Proud and authoritative, RON gestures to his MAN Bodyguard)
MAN BODYGUARD
Ma'm, you shall address him as "The Ronald".
(confusion on their faces, both LOIS and TED mouth the words "The Ronald?")
LOIS
(Gesturing at the BODYGUARDS) Who are they?
RON
Let's just say...they're with me.
LOIS
Uh, ok. Hello....."The Ronald". You know, I do think I've seen you before. Why aren't you still on the greeting team?
RON
Ahem! Well, we don't need to get into that right now. Lets go ahead and get started. My scouts have told me some good things about you both. It sounds like you have different backgrounds and abilities to bring to the table so I've brought you in for a very special reason. While, I do have a strong and loyal parking team, I've been realizing that I need to pass some of my knowledge onto an apprentice, someone who isn't weighed down by the old way of doing things around here (HE glares in disdain at his BODYGUARDS), someone, I can mold and shape into my image and pass on all my "expertise" in the field of church parking.
(TED finally speaks up)
TED
How long have you been director, again?
RON
Well....a month, but I've been parking my own car since I was sixteen. Listen, parking cars is no picnic. Getting into Concord Mills 6pm on Christmas Eve, or Lowe's Motor Speedway before a big race....I laugh in the face of these parking challenges. And, you haven't seen the face of fear until you stare down a speeding SUV trying to beat the Sunday brunch crowd at Cracker Barrel. As my apprentice, you could actually replace me one day. I need to know that you bring the confidence and credentials necessary to, as I like to tell my team..."park with pride."
BODYGUARDS
(Fists to their hearts) Park with pride!
RON
(Looking at his paperwork) Alright, uh Ted. Why don't we start with you. Tell me...what accolades will you bring to our esteemed parking team. What makes you qualified to work for "The Ronald"?
(At this point, TED rises up a bit in his chair, brimming with confidence)
TED
Well....The Ronald...I guess you'd call us an "old money" family. My ancestors weren't exactly the first on Plymouth Rock, but let's say we came in a close second (HE forces a laugh, trying to be funny...no one joins him. Quickly, he regains his proud composure). But, as far as my qualifications go....I hold a medical degree from Yale, an MBA in business from Harvard--Phi Beta Kappa, Summa Cum Laude, of course. In 1992, I completed a fellowship in clinical neurophysiology at UMass Medical School. Following my Civil Engineering PhD from Purdue, I joined the Peace Corps and spent three years in the Congo, developing clean irrigation channels for the natives. I'm on the board of several national foundations and charities. I bought eBay stock before it was up and sold my Martha Stewart stock before it tumbled. Well, that's probably about it....
RON
Well, TED...that's great...
TED
And, I was captain of my debate team!
RON
Well...great, Ted. I'm sure you would be a great asset to the parking team. Ok...Lois. Why don't we hear from you?
(LOIS' bright spirit has faded. She just stares at TED, mouth open...in a state of shock.)
LOIS
Um...I'm not sure what to say. I finished a couple of years of community college up at Mitchell....well, almost finished. I've been married for 12 years and I have 5 kids. My husband works nights mostly, but he loves us and does his best. I usually spend most of my time running the kids around to soccer and whatnot, and I organized our local carpool. My quilts won a couple blue ribbons at the Iredell County fair a few times. I'm not sure what else to say. I just wanted to help out at church. Ted here seems like he's a lot more qualified than me.
RON
(A little saddened by her dejection) Well, thank you, Lois. Why don't you give me a moment to confer with my...colleagues.
(RON and the BODYGUARDS turn in their chairs and whisper for a few moments. They finish, and turn back around to face TED and LOIS.)
RON
Ahem...Well, thank you both for your time. I think you both could bring interesting talents to our team, but as you know I can only choose one apprentice. Lois, while I appreciate your eagerness to help, I think we both know that Ted here is the one who will be most qualified to follow in my footsteps one day. Ted I'd like to offer you the position!
(They all stand. TED and RON shake hands and exchange congratulations, smiling. LOIS stands with her head down a bit, clearly disappointed.)
RON
Ted, I'd like start training you next Saturday. What time can you come in?
TED
(Pulling out his day-timer) Let's see: Tennis at 11:30; Lunch with Senator Edwards at 2. 3, maybe? Oooh. Hmmm. Not good. Sorry, no can-do. After lunch with the Senator, I told my driver he could visit his sick mother in Black Mountain.
RON
Well, ok, if you gave your driver the day off......Wait a minute. Your driver? You have a driver? You do drive, don't you?
TED
(a little taken a back) I do spin a mean golf cart (tries to get another laugh...again, no one joins him). Well, to be honest...uh...Mr. Ronald....Mums and Dad never wanted me to drive much....we always had the Limo, I guess.
RON
You don't drive? Ted, if you don't drive, I guess that means you've never parked a car before, have you?
TED
(Still not getting the picture) Um...no. Is that a problem?
RON
Yes, that a problem, Ted! Why did you even come here?!
TED
Well, my therapist thought I ought to spend more time with the "little people"....
RON
(RON motions and the BODYGUARDS rise) Please escort Ted off the premises. Ted...you're fired!
(Before Ted can grasp what is happening, the BODYGUARDS grab each arm and escort him out of the room. Left alone, RON looks at LOIS a little sheepishly. Lois looks a little exhausted, but a smile begins to creep onto her face).
RON
I'm sorry about that, Lois. I guess I should have known you were the most qualified all along. You did say you ran a carpool, didn't you.
LOIS
(her smile widening) Yes, I run a carpool.
RON
Then, I guess that does it. (RON extends his hand) Welcome to the team.
FADE OUT
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